A while back, an intellectual discussion concerning the influence of the gods on fishing filled this newsgroup. Although I did not partake in the actual research and added nothing from a personal perspective, I did take copious notes. At this time, I would like to share these notes with all of you. However, before I do that, I would like to add a few disclaimers. First of all, I can't guarantee I have in my list all the gods who were discussed in the newsgroup - sometimes, I screw up with this Internet stuff. Secondly, and I apologize for this, I didn't keep track of the people who supplied the information concerning the gods. At the time, I was only interested in building an altar on the bow of my bass boat, and I never dreamed others would be interested in building their own altars.

       And finally, if you are offended by this list of gods, I'm hiding behind the First Amendment, and you should go hunt down Richard C and Stan G, the heathens, the infidels :)

       Without further ado, the gods:

TOTGA - The One That Got Away. Simply put, the head mudda who art in charge - the chief fishing god. If TOTGA is happy, you can catch fish. If TOTGA isn't happy, golf makes more sense.

WETEO - Works Every Time Except Outdoors. This is the sucker who screws with your electrical and electronic stuff. Remember one thing with WETEO, his actions are directly proportional to your need of the electrical stuff. In other words, if your life depends on it, this sucker will zap it.

ILGOTT - It Looks Good On The Trailer. ILGOTT is the male bass boat god. He's the one who backs out screws, bangs boats into docks, and helps knock off the top of sand bars with your brand new stainless steel prop. Besides sandbars, he's also fond of submerged logs.

AMLIN - Any Money Left Is Mine. AMLIN is the female bass boat god (I thought she was a goddess, but Stan G claims she is an old David Bowie fan). After ILGOTT does his thing, AMLIN causes the repair prices to be just higher than you can afford.

IRBITS - I'd Rather Be In The Shop. Bass boat trailers have their own personality. For simple vehicles, they certainly have their share of failure modes - enough of them to justify a special god.

AGUMP - Ain't Given Up My Spot. AGUMP is the god of bank fishing, one of the lesser gods. For that matter, the only reason he was even mention was to keep Richard C from ranting and raving and creating a ruckus about leaving him out of the god business. Damn, what's that saying about all the people some of the time or something like that :)

AGHAST - A Good Hauling And Show Truck. One half of a god with a split personality. This half recognizes you can sometimes get to the lake with no problems.

IWAFT - It Was A Fine Truck. The other half, the more familiar half, the nasty half of the truck god who likes to see you on the side of the road watching the jet skis beat you to the lake.

ABLYSS - Aqua Becoming Like Your Soiled Shorts. This is the PG-13 version of the god who changes clear water to green, yellow, brown or red; or if you've really been bad, to ink black. If you want to know about the R-rated version, give Stan G a call :)

SEACOW - Should Expect A Change of Weather. Probably the second most powerful god behind TOTGA. This is the guy who schedules all the bad weather crap for the one day you can go fishing.

DECAL - Defacing Emblems Can Aggravate Lords. The jury is still out on this sucker, who was conjured up just because I have a non-descript bass boat. From what I've been able to figure out, his only power is to stick more decals on your boat when you're asleep. I found two more of them this morning, but they're gone now. If this guy can get the big motor decal back on, I'll vote to move him up on the list.

       Again, if I've omitted any of the gods, I apologize. On the other hand, I think we got enough of them to wreck any fishing trip you can imagine, so adding a few more couldn't possibly make matters worse. Now, does anyone have a prayer book to appease these suckers?

More on the Gods, Moe Conway

       I love the Gods - they can punish with the best or reward you with that trophy, here's a couple I didn't see listed.

SHBHYD - Should Have Been Here Yesterday - The main god of all guides when the bite is slow. Also known to frequent tournament trails. Will always show up the day after a cold front.

TWABF - That Was A Big Fish - Always invoked right after the line breaks or the hook pulls. TWABF usually leaves with a big boil or splash. Will most likely show up when you need a kicker to round out your limit. If by chance you throw back and catch the fish, he will be smaller than before - it's not TWABF but his brother TNTSF - That's Not The Same Fish.

HMOTL - He Measured On The Lake - This god love to shrink fish. No matter how many Golden Rules you use, if the fish was just over the line HMOTL will shrink him to just under. HMOTL loves to show up just as the Game Warden does or right at weigh-in time.

Jack Kazee Continues . .

TWYTP - That Was Your Ten Pounder. This god follows guides around who guarantee you will catch a ten-pound bass. He shows up just when you have hooked and lost a decent fish.

USIDYP  - "Uhh. . Sorry, I Dropped Your Pole" - A god who embarrassed a fishing buddy of mine while fishing with one of Moe's poles. I won't mention his name.